Working Caregiver- Caregiver Articles
How can we contribute to someone else when we have nothing left to give to ourselves...
Caring for a Parent
When I read Barbara Levinson's story about caring for her mother at the time she was trying to become a mother herself, shows me the irony in the caregiving role. We, caregivers, at times, contribute to another's care to the point of losing our own good health, our peace, and ultimately our sense of well being. The question and concern for us is "how can we contribute to someone else when we have nothing left to give to ourselves?"
Everyone is Inadequate
As with Levinson and the rest of us caregivers, we need to balance love, caregiving and guilt. Close to 54 million Americans care for a disabled or sick family member, according to the 2006 survey conducted by Met Life. And although most bear the burden with love, social workers say caregiving is so demanding that most people feel inadequate. Yes, we do. Remembering the times caring for my mom as she waited in clinics to have her lung drained of fluids sorely reminds me just how inadequate I felt! Relieving her pain was my hope but my attempt to do so was extremely insufficient.
Beware of guilt, experts warn us. Eventually, such emotions can extract a heavy toll on the health of the caregiver -- and that hurts everyone involved.
Of all the emotional hurdles family caregivers face, including anger and resentment, guilt is the most pervasive, says Mimi Goodrich, a licensed clinical social worker at the Wellness Center in San Mateo, CA. “its right up there on the list. Caregivers feel it’s their obligation to make these years the happiest. But none of us has that power. When caregivers have expectations that are unrealistic, that’s when the guilt comes in.”
Ah, the truth in that statement by Goodrich brings me to the realization that I, as a caregiver, need to readjust my expectation level. But before I can do that, I must choose to care for myself first; making my life a priority.
Do you suffer from the Superwoman Syndrome?
In order to make life easier as a caregiver, one must be able to ask for help from friends, professionals, and family. Don’t let the voice of the responsible child whisper in your mind: “She/He raised me. I should take care of her/him now, no matter how hard it is,” as Levinson helpfully reminds us.
"People feel guilt because they think that somehow there's something they could, might, should, would have done," says Lee L. Pollak, director of the Bereavement Center at Jewish Family and Children's Services in San Francisco. "But the perfect ending never happens, no matter how well prepared a family is.”
Pollak goes on to say that America's goal-oriented, independent-minded society works indirectly to boost feelings of guilt. "We think we ought to be able to control things. So there's an extra layer of guilt if it doesn't go the way we want or expect."
Guilt can hurt Caregivers
We caregivers need to cut ourselves some slack. Experts tell us that our own health may suffer if we do not. Researchers at Indiana University, for instance, recently surveyed 3,000 women. They found that the longer women cared for a sick relative, the more likely they were to suffer depression, insomnia, and even physical difficulties climbing stairs or lifting heavy objects. The study was published in the March, 2000 issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
Looking at my own family’s experience; my sister’s cholesterol is now higher due the stress of caring for our dad. Janice fills her life with dad’s day to day care requirements; overseeing the meds, naps, eating and his comfort. While I commend and praise her for the fabulous contribution she makes to his life, she is exhausted and stressed! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t hear “I’m exhausted,” from Janice. Her recent physical shows that she has an increase in her cholesterol level, many times a symptom of stress.
Pat Coleman, an elder care consultant, says about caring for an aging senior when asked what can caregivers do? Most importantly, turn to community programs and professional resources for help, as well as to family or friends. "Guilt is driven, in part, by the lack of access to information, especially during a crisis, It’s brought on by trying to get through the morass of needs and decisions and not knowing what supports and services are available. Often there hasn't been anyone there to tell us what we might need until we actually need it, so there's tremendous guilt in feeling we haven't done enough."
For myself, when researching for dad's needs, there are volumes of information on websites to peruse. Goodness, where does one begin? That's why we designed http://www.Workingcaregiver.com.
Consider joining a support group – either in person or on the Internet. You can share feelings and frustrations with others who understand your situation. Caregiver Forums is available at http://workingcaregiver.com/phpBB/index.php- here you can say “no” without closing your heart.
Some caregivers let go of their old life, and learn that their new life, though difficult, is still full of rewards. Others let go of control, and learn to delegate caregiving chores to others. No matter which choice you make, Pat Coleman offers this advice: "Remember that your best is good enough."
A good book to reference on this topic is Beth Witrogen McLeod’s, Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss, and Renewal | 
